Surrender
It's only been recently that I have really understood the word and the meaning behind the word surrender…
It really wasn't part of my vocabulary, or lets face it, it wasn't something that I liked to admit I did… But I totally surrendered into love and I think that is why things over the last 6 months have been so difficult… I surrendered… For someone who likes control, I realized that surrendering into everything and allowing myself to let go was a huge lesson for me. I surrendered in to everything that was given to me and I have to say it was incredible. Absolutely incredible, and I learnt so much. I learnt about who I was, what I needed, I learnt how to love, I learnt how to be… I didn't want to analyze things but when you go through a transition of change you naturally do it. You analyze everything, who you are, what you want to be, where you want to go even how you are going to get there.
But I realized that as much as I didn't want to admit I surrendered, I now realize I did… and I do it with many things. I always thought I was a control freak, and yes I am to a degree with certain things. I have labels labels, I have lists for lists… seriously if you come into my home and go into my bathroom you will see everything has a label and everything has a place… some would call it organized, others would call it freakishly controlling. It's just who I am. I know how I want things done when it comes to my business, and I control all of it… I like to know that it's running… I check my bank account daily because I like to have control over the money I have, only because I have had the debt collectors at my door before. I control how my work is, and the reading that I am giving… So when it comes to some things I am in control.
That control comes out of my fears, I have many fears and I am not afraid to admit them, and one of them is losing Charlie, and also everything that I have worked so hard to gain, the other is being violated and the other is not being believed. And in many ways these control me. So I have to learn to surrender to them. These fears control me daily… and I mean EVERY day… it consumes me, every single night when the sun goes down and the lights go on… It starts… I don't think about it, and I never think about it, it's just there… like the under current of the calm ocean that looks so peaceful. The lights go off, and the stillness of the night hits, and the fear that I have fought so hard to push away comes along… it comes along and I start to take control of it… I stay awake… until the very early hours of the morning. I stay up, fighting sleep thinking that something could happen in those hours and I am so vulnerable and that I will wake up to find that my home has been emptied, I have been abused… I have been violated in some way.
This has been happening since I was a child, I would hide under the covers scared because of the spirits and that they would do bad things to me, but I was never believed and so it was a vicious circle. The spirits would come at night and they would talk to me and so I stayed awake as much as I could so I didn't have to deal with them invading my dreams… finally I fell asleep, but I never laid my head down to sleep, I fought it, must like I do now.
So why I am I telling you this? Well it's part of my healing… part of the process… Admitting that that is the problem. When I have someone to sleep with, as in a partner, like I had up until recently, I would sleep… because I knew that someone else was there to look after me, but now alone, I don't and so it's time to face my fears.
My fear of not being believed, stems from the revelation that I discovered last year in Peru, that I had a situation that I was not believed in and those memories are coming clearer and clearer and through some exercises that I am doing I see it… it wasn't anyone fault. I was young. Also my gift, I wasn't believed as a child, I spoke to people about seeing dead people, and these dead people scared me. I would hide under the covers. I wasn't believed my truth wasn't heard. So that is when throughout childhood I started to lie… well people didn't believe me so I might as well lie… and so I did… I became a compulsive liar until I was probably in my early twenties… until I started to see the real me… I lied about my sexuality, I lied about jobs, I lied about what I was doing and where I was going, because I had conditioned myself to do it.
There was a turning point, and it was when I met Charlie's father, Simon… we had a moment where we were being 'honest' with each other we had a situation that he didn't believe that Charlie was his… I fought to be heard… I fought for my truth to be taken seriously… I wanted to set an example for the unborn child I was carrying and that was when I decided no more. I found freedom in my truth. It wasn't easy, because I was always going to be questioned… but I became truthful however my ways slipped again when I was in a long term relationship and I had to lie to find the freedom that I needed… It was horrible, so when I left that relationship, I vowed no more, and so for the last 4 years I have been truthful… so it hurts, so deep… it cuts like a knife when I am not believed. To call me a liar is probably the worst thing that anyone could do. To threaten to take my son away is something that is unforgivable, etc etc… So these are all my fears.
And they are things that I am working on… Oh and am I working on them, I am facing them in so many ways… and I am surrendering to them. Surrender… that word… and you know… it feels good to surrender into the fear and to acknowledge them.
I also have an very strange fear of peas, and I was faced with that over the weekend in Lily Dale when my sandwich at lunch time came with pasta, that had peas in it, and I didn't freak out, I actually sat and stared at them, as I am facing these fears and this is one of them.
So back to surrendering… as I surrender into my fears, I realized that I have been doing it all along. I didn't think I knew how to surrender, but I do… I have done it for years… and I finally understood it, or really embraced it in Lily Dale… I surrender every day to Spirit, to the work that I do… I can't control the way that a reading goes, I can't do it, I am totally at the mercy of Spirit and so I taught my students to Surrender to spirit and the messages. I surrender to the universe and the pathway that I am on… I surrender to the moment and live in it… embrace it totally… and I have changed as a person… I am grateful!
I realized that I loved in my last relationship so fully and incredibly because I surrendered to my sexuality and also to my fears… It was just a place of surrendering.
And that surrendering that I have done has taught me lessons… yes some of them have been hard lessons and some of them have been amazing… but every one of them is a gift. It's a gift of facing my fear and surrendering and loving… loving myself. I sat at the Inspirational Stump where many incredible mediums have worked over years and years and opened my heart and surrendered to everything, my biggest fears, of not being loved, of not being believed, of being violated… everything that I feared… I surrendered…and I was grateful… So grateful.
I thanked spirit for showing me the guiding light and showing me the pathway of learning and through the tears that streamed down my cheeks I found the release that I needed. The letting go of the control… I realized that I couldn't do it, I couldn't have these things control me. So what if someone doesn't want to believe me… they are missing out on my truth. So what if someone takes everything, they must need it more than me. So what if I am broken into, things can be replaced, So what if someone wants to stoop so low to threaten to take Charlie, because that will never happen.
It was amazing. I had an aura brush down by a student of mine, Melody and that night, I slept… I felt so good… It was incredible. I laid my head on the pillow of a room that is known to be haunted and I faced my fear and drifted off to sleep, without the aid of melatonin, music, computer and anything else that normally I would use to escape my fear… I faced it head on… and how amazing it was.
Now I don't profess to be healed completely, but I will tell you, it was easy, because I allowed myself to do it… and it was easy. So easy. I was alone, another fear, I was in a haunted room, another fear (ironic I know) I even slept with the door unlocked It was amazing.
So what I have learnt from this is it's how we face it, and whether we want it in our life and whether we are going to allow it to consume us and control us… Or are we going to kick the habit and surrender into it, and accept that its there… for me it's something I have done.
So if this sounds like you, take time to face those fears, take time to acknowledge that you have them, because trust me we all do… and allow yourself to let go and surrender… knowing that no matter what, you will be okay. It's going to be fine.
I am ready to face the fear of peas too… yes… I have thought about it, and I am ready to face this… and when I do… EVERYONE will know about it!!!
Sending love to you all
Lisa xx
57 Comments → Email Article Share Article → Print Article Posted on Sunday, July 29, 2012 at 09:58PM 
Reader Comments (57)
Wow............i have always believed in you.....and always will.......and yes, your blog does relate to me....wow......wow....XXXX... i'm lost for words..powerful stuff.- Thank you!
Lisa- thanks so much for posting! Validation - that even someone in the public eye like you goes through what I go through. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
surrender to your fear , funny that this is your blog today when i did this yesterday !! Love you mate , thankyou for always speaking your truth xx
Beautiful Lisa,
That was so bold of you to do! To reveal your deepest fears and feelings to the world, I salute you! This is what makes you uniquely you and that is why you have so many fans. You are real and soulful. You are love. Thank you for being so inspiring with your words. Yes, we all have these fears. I have the same damn fear - always worrying about losing my Anna and my Drew (my kids). I know this stems from past life issues and it sucks. I pray 2x a day for their protection and surround them with the white light constantly.
P.S. I love peas LOL
Love, Light and Continued Healing,
Gina
Lisa I am so proud of you being so honest, and sharing all your work with us, you have touched me and so many others, you are leading the way. So many people including me appreciate you, you are so brave, and such a great soul, a teaching soul
thank you
thank you
thank you
In love, light and always laughter
Renee
Wow Lisa! Such a heartfelt article! When reading the article, it was as though the message was just for me! The fears of being alone, not wanting to go to sleep unless someone is lying beside me, trying to fight sleep in order not to face my fears,etc. I too feel like I have to overly organize my home. I probably clean out my closets and drawers more than anyone I know! Lol I also make lists for everything. I guess in a way it makes me feel I have control over my life in some way.
Thank you so much for a heartfelt article! I have always had trouble with surrendering and living my truth. I guess it is time to start. :)
Thanks so much for this angelic message!
Sending you love.
Congratulations, Lisa. Surrender is an amazing state to experience. Bon courage, chère!
<3,
One of your fence sitting friends. ;-)
Lydia
Sending you light and love on your journey. Thank You for sharing. They are words of encouragement. Bless your heart. Hugs to you and Charlie.
Amazing having same story through my life same gifts as child and no one belived but last month I worked through my fear and started doing readings ,been amazing helping people heal and has helped me heal xxxthanks for sharing xxxxx
Lisa,
As I sit here with tears rolling down my face I want to thank you for posting this. For the last two years I have been learning how to "let go" but I don't think I have really surrendered the way I need to. For the first time in 42 years I am alone. I have to rely on myself for everything. I am finding out who I am, not who I am with someone else and, like anything new, it has been difficult. One of my biggest fears is that I am going to get hurt and no one will be there to help me. This fear came to reality a week ago and instead of trusting my own instinct and judgement I spoke with two other people then ended up doing what my gut was telling me to do in the first place. My other biggest fear is around my sexuality. I have come out to a few people I can't seem to overcome this fear and just be who I am. So again I want to thank you for this post. You have truely touched my heart.
Katie
A transformation of lovely Lisa is happening here; realeasing the old giving birth to renewal of you...a process indeed. I heard a whisper of a dragon. Brightly with love and blessings, Lisa
The opposite of fear is faith. Know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, learning for the next phase of your journey. Peace be with you! Reiki Blessings, Linda
Reading your blog was perfect timing for me. The word surrender has been revealed to me over and over again in the past 48 hours. Thank you for filling in the last piece to the puzzle that I have been trying to put together for 2 days now. Blessing to you and yours...may your journey be fully revealed and your fears melt away.
Lisa,
This is a very powerful, and cathartic blog. I'm very proud of you for having the courage to open yourself up, this way. This is going to bring you great rewards.
We all struggle and have fears, and it spoke to me, as I too have control issues. As someone once told me, when I have a problem and pray, I give God the pillow, and take back the pillowcase. It's so hard to trust in the Universe, and surrender. I'm sure this will speak to many people. I bless you on your journey,
and wish you great happiness, and peace.
Namaste.....
Lisa, no matter what our physical fear may be, just remember that you have full access to the Spirit/ God who will watch over you and protect you always. There was a reason I was led here tonight and I have to flow with it and give you freely what I have received and have been shown. Believe me, I have made a decision to surrender my life to the one that knows me best and I have no regrets as my days are in line with my true purpose for my limited time here on earth. There are two amazingly powerful passages I encourage you to read before bedtime and they are Psalm 91, and 23... May God and HIS heavenly angels surround you and hug you in their protective light...
Sending lots of love,
DS
Thanks for sharing Lisa. True heart speaking story that reached me a lot. Could it be possible that 2012 brings hards lessons to drive us to the next level to become artisan of the world metamorphosis... I send you a lot of energy and angels. Heal in peace and accordingly to your Greatest Plan.
Sincerely,
This is such a powerful and insightful blog post, Lisa. :)
I am glad that a student could help you out at Lily Dale. (When the student becomes the teacher, isn't? :) )
It makes me think about my own fear as well... and no, it is not crazy that you fear spirits at night. For example, I fear driving in the snow and I live in a nordic country. :p To recognize our fear and battle them only makes us much stronger.
I mentionned this on the Forum's member but would like to mention it again: Thank you SO much for the class at LilyDale. :) I learned so many things and I am now on the path to practice. I already booked a friend and many more have told me they wanted a reading, tonight.
It's quite amazing how so many people actually believe in spirits once you "come out"... people you wouldn't thought had an interest in this.
The next thing you know, they book a reading with you! :-)
Thank you again! :-) Much love!
Thank you so much Lisa for sharing this with all of us, I can so relate to this as i too have some fears that i need to face as well. I have and always will believe in you, you have such an amazing gift. I actually had an opportunity to meet you at a meet in greet a while back ago when you visited portland oregon and that was very awesome i have to say :-)
Dear Lisa,
I admire you for the way of expose yourself on such vulnerable way. That is not easy and you being a public person.....
My husband is an sceptic about all this stuf but he believes in you. He always kind of defend you when the psychic subject shows up in a conversation.
You can tell me everything and I will believe you. I will not doubt it at all. Please stop thinking in that way, you have an army of people believing in you. Even my sceptic husband.... You answered one of my questions once in "ask lisa" and my husband always reminds me of that when I feel a bit down.
Sending you my honest love.
Angela.
I too have fears, my daughter is 33 and i still worry about her. She is going through a terrible time and a divorce that is not of her making. She is our only child as Charlie is yours. Fears will enter imy mind and I constantly shake them off and call on Archangels, Raphael and Micha, el to go to her and keep her safe. Then I ask God to take these fears from my mind. It's easy to feel you are alone in your fears. We all just wrap them up and hold them inside. All the while they get bigger and bigger. Thanks for the blog, I will be working on mine too. Love you Lisa!
Bon Courage Lisa!
My daughter Emy is the only reason to live I am a man filled, but countdown is active'd and I am ready. I'm just afraid to go too fast. I want my daughters to find time to know his father to keep him in these memories like mine is. I am 29 years old
Health, peace, love for allz
i believe and like u lisa!
GM
Hi lisa! I remember you from school and have been following you for last couple of years. I wanted to say sorry for what you went through when you were at school. I didn't know you very well but I knew there was something different about you. I wish I could turn the clocks back and spend more time with you at that point, maybe then you wouldn't have felt so alone.
Your blog is inspiring and I have taken a lot from it. Take care lisa, much love x
Hi lisa! I remember you from school and have been following you for last couple of years. I wanted to say sorry for what you went through when you were at school. I didn't know you very well but I knew there was something different about you. I wish I could turn the clocks back and spend more time with you at that point, maybe then you wouldn't have felt so alone.
Your blog is inspiring and I have taken a lot from it. Take care lisa, much love and thankyou x x
Surrender ... Don't give up...! Love and beeing loved... You are a
Normal person, that's all... Thank you for your honnestly...
Hi Lisa,
That was a really emotional blog today, we can all feel you getting stronger every day. I think most of us can relate to most of what you are going through, i know i can. I am so happy you are moving forward in your life, and hope one day you will find that special someone. Now is the time for you just to enjoy life as a single woman, well for a while anyway. You will find love, long lasting love. I hope you find it soon. Just enjoy the special man in your life now, Charlie. I wish you all the happiness in the world, Charlie too, you are an amazing woman. Love Jem xxx