Determined to stay present

(Posted - Wednesday, May 16, 2012)

I am so aware that I haven't blogged for some time, in fact I have actually hidden a little… no lets be honest Lisa. you've hidden a lot!  I have wallowed in self pity and drama, become consumed with emotions that I didn't want to deal with, and saw a great deal of fear within me, I never wanted to admit it, but I have had too. 

How was I supposed to motivate and inspire others if I could't drag myself out of this? How could I write when I just didn't feel like it? The truth was I couldn't.  So why I am telling you this… when this is supposed to be inspirational… well… I wanted you to see that we are all human and that we all have issues even people like me who inspire others to lead a spiritual life.  

We have pain, fear and upset in our lives.  It's never going to go away. I know that.  You have to face things.  It's like that pile of bills that sit there until you deal with them, they are not going to leave.  So its how you face things, its how you deal with it.  For me it was my thinking. 

We all have these crazy thoughts in our minds that tell us all sorts of irrational things… and we start to believe them. We start to think that our thoughts are true… and then when we start to believe them, we start to manifest it… it's a vicious circle… a cycle that I have pulled myself from.  So I named my voice in my head 'Veronica' I realized when Veronica was coming out to play and I stopped. 

I noticed when Veronica was having a two year old tantrum, I noticed when Veronica just wanted to eat for comfort, I noticed when Veronica wanted to switch on every form of technology to escape the world that was going on around her… But what I, Lisa, was missing was being present!

I wasn't present, I was focused upon the past, the future but not the NOW! 

I had to change my thoughts, I had to stay focused and present… I had to change those thought patterns… but when you are so deep within them, how do you do that? DETERMINATION knowing that you have to make the change or everything that around you is going to suffer.  Finally the jolt came… I dropped Charlie off at school, I was consumed with a thought… and irrational one at that, and I looked at Charlie walking to the playground and I rolled down my window, "Hey monkey… whats up?" He looked sad… "He said you never told me that you loved me and you are grumpy."

Done deal… the thoughts had to stop.  Every time I had that negative thought, I had to stop… When I came back from the UK, the last purchase I made was a bracelet with the word 'Love' on… and that helped me to remind myself that I needed the love… not from someone else, because I know I am loved immensely, but from me.  It was about me. You may feel it's selfish.  That bracelet became my savior.  When I had that negative thought, I looked down at my wrist and reminded myself that I should change my thoughts and love myself I couldn't just rely on those who loved me. 

So I did. It was a gradual process, and not an easy one, and also hard for those around me, but being authentic was important.  I had to be true to myself. Teaching my Advanced Mediumship Class was the turning point… I didn't hide, I was true to myself.  If I wanted to cry, I cried, If I wanted to laugh I laughed.  If I wanted to say something, I didn't fear what would come out, I just said it… it was so freeing… it was incredible. 

I have continued to think this way… since then, and I now feel great… I have noticed the change in me and I know others have too.  Was it easy… no, did I need to change my thoughts… yes… and I'm happier now… Indeed I am. 

I sat on the beach tonight watching Charlie as he frolicked in the ocean… and realized that kids remain present MOST of the time… and when I say MOST of the time, it was because as I was helping him with his Math tonight, he wasn't present… I had to send him out of the room to compose himself and come back present… and when he did he sailed through his work.  But lets look at kids, when they play they are present they are in the moment, enjoying themselves.  We can learn so much from them. 

I watched him and the only thing that was distracting him was the fact that his shorts were constantly sliding down his bum… he was always pulling them up… hehe… it was so funny… but that didn't spoil his enjoyment… far from it… he ran and swam and dived and plunged in the ocean, without a care in the world.  He does that quite often, playing in the ocean and I have taken to going to the beach WITHOUT my phone and being present.  What an amazing feeling not to feel to be present… because lets face it… other peoples drama can wait… we have to live life!  It's about being in the moment and enjoying what we are experiencing… not what our life could be like… it's about NOW… and knowing that we are in the right place at the right time… 

Letting go of controlling things and being vulnerable… opening yourself up to possibilities and allowing life to unfold in the way that it's suppose too… and you know what… I have done this and I am happy beyond words.  I have amazing people in my life and I am grateful. I am grateful for the work that I do, and the people who support me… I am just grateful for what I have and for those who love me unconditionally… I don't need to mention them, because they know who they are and that is all that matters… and this is still about me… no ego… just me feeling good about where I have been, and knowing what I have gone through and where I am now. 

I have seen the light... it's about being present.  Years ago I wanted to leave this world by choice, but now... life is a gift and I am going to live it. 

So when you have moments of darkness… remember that you are not alone… there are so many others that are in the same situation, but it's our thoughts… we just have to change them.  I found what helped me was putting a name to them, Veronica… and then turn to others… let go of pride and ask for help, say you are sorry or just admit that you are wrong… it's amazing when that happens you can see that people want to be there to help you through those tough times…   It's incredible…  I have no problem with saying I'm sorry, or that I am wrong.  People appreciate it, however my biggest issue was telling people what I wanted… not any more… I know what I want, and I am not afraid to say it… I just hope that those around me will cope… hehe… I'm sure the will because they love me unconditionally!!!

When you realize that people DO love you unconditionally then that will help you grow and change, and discover yourself… and then you will not be afraid of who you are.  You need to like yourself… you need to love yourself, because without that, how can you expect others to do that to you.   

It's been an incredible journey and one that I have to embrace and look back on with love, because it's made me who I am… yes it was painful, yes it was hard… but I am happy, and I know I am loved and that is all that I can ask for!

Much love

Lisa xx