Surrender

It's only been recently that I have really understood the word and the meaning behind the word surrender… 

It really wasn't part of my vocabulary, or lets face it, it wasn't something that I liked to admit I did… But I totally surrendered into love and I think that is why things over the last 6 months have been so difficult… I surrendered… For someone who likes control, I realized that surrendering into everything and allowing myself to let go was a huge lesson for me.  I surrendered in to everything that was given to me and I have to say it was incredible. Absolutely incredible, and I learnt so much.  I learnt about who I was, what I needed, I learnt how to love, I learnt how to be… I didn't want to analyze things but when you go through a transition of change you naturally do it.  You analyze everything, who you are, what you want to be, where you want to go even how you are going to get there. 

But I realized that as much as I didn't want to admit I surrendered, I now realize I did… and I do it with many things.  I always thought I was a control freak, and yes I am to a degree with certain things.  I have labels labels, I have lists for lists… seriously if you come into my home and go into my bathroom you will see everything has a label and everything has a place… some would call it organized, others would call it freakishly controlling. It's just who I am.  I know how I want things done when it comes to my business, and I control all of it… I like to know that it's running… I check my bank account daily because I like to have control over the money I have, only because I have had the debt collectors at my door before.  I control how my work is, and the reading that I am giving… So when it comes to some things I am in control.   

That control comes out of my fears, I have many fears and I am not afraid to admit them, and one of them is losing Charlie, and also everything that I have worked so hard to gain, the other is being violated and the other is not being believed.  And in many ways these control me.  So I have to learn to surrender to them.  These fears control me daily… and I mean EVERY day… it consumes me, every single night when the sun goes down and the lights go on… It starts… I don't think about it, and I never think about it, it's just there… like the under current of the calm ocean that looks so peaceful.  The lights go off, and the stillness of the night hits, and the fear that I have fought so hard to push away comes along… it comes along and I start to take control of it… I stay awake… until the very early hours of the morning.  I stay up, fighting sleep thinking that something could happen in those hours and I am so vulnerable and that I will wake up to find that my home has been emptied, I have been abused… I have been violated in some way.

This has been happening since I was a child, I would hide under the covers scared because of the spirits and that they would do bad things to me, but I was never believed and so it was a vicious circle. The spirits would come at night and they would talk to me and so I stayed awake as much as I could so I didn't have to deal with them invading my dreams… finally I fell asleep, but I never laid my head down to sleep, I fought it, must like I do now. 

So why I am I telling you this? Well it's part of my healing… part of the process… Admitting that that is the problem.  When I have someone to sleep with, as in a partner, like I had up until recently, I would sleep… because I knew that someone else was there to look after me, but now alone, I don't and so it's time to face my fears. 

My fear of not being believed, stems from the revelation that I discovered last year in Peru, that I had a situation that I was not believed in and those memories are coming clearer and clearer and through some exercises that I am doing I see it… it wasn't anyone fault.  I was young.  Also my gift, I wasn't believed as a child, I spoke to people about seeing dead people, and these dead people scared me. I would hide under the covers.  I wasn't believed my truth wasn't heard.  So that is when throughout childhood I started to lie… well people didn't believe me so I might as well lie… and so I did… I became a compulsive liar until I was probably in my early twenties… until I started to see the real me… I lied about my sexuality, I lied about jobs, I lied about what I was doing and where I was going, because I had conditioned myself to do it.  

There was a turning point, and it was when I met Charlie's father, Simon… we had a moment where we were being 'honest' with each other we had a situation that he didn't believe that Charlie was his… I fought to be heard… I fought for my truth to be taken seriously…  I wanted to set an example for the unborn child I was carrying and that was when I decided no more.  I found freedom in my truth.  It wasn't easy, because I was always going to be questioned… but I became truthful however my ways slipped again when I was in a long term relationship and I had to lie to find the freedom that I needed… It was horrible, so when I left that relationship, I vowed no more, and so for the last 4 years I have been truthful… so it hurts, so deep… it cuts like a knife when I am not believed.   To call me a liar is probably the worst thing that anyone could do.  To threaten to take my son away is something that is unforgivable, etc etc… So these are all my fears. 

And they are things that I am working on… Oh and am I working on them, I am facing them in so many ways… and I am surrendering to them.  Surrender… that word… and you know… it feels good to surrender into the fear and to acknowledge them. 

I also have an very strange fear of peas, and I was faced with that over the weekend in Lily Dale when my sandwich at lunch time came with pasta, that had peas in it, and I didn't freak out, I actually sat and stared at them, as I am facing these fears and this is one of them. 

So back to surrendering… as I surrender into my fears, I realized that I have been doing it all along.  I didn't think I knew how to surrender, but I do… I have done it for years… and I finally understood it, or really embraced it in Lily Dale… I surrender every day to Spirit, to the work that I do… I can't control the way that a reading goes, I can't do it, I am totally at the mercy of Spirit and so I taught my students to Surrender to spirit and the messages.  I surrender to the universe and the pathway that I am on… I surrender to the moment and live in it… embrace it totally… and I have changed as a person… I am grateful!

I realized that I loved in my last relationship so fully and incredibly because I surrendered to my sexuality and also to my fears… It was just a place of surrendering. 

And that surrendering that I have done has taught me lessons… yes some of them have been hard lessons and some of them have been amazing… but every one of them is a gift.  It's a gift of facing my fear and surrendering and loving… loving myself.  I sat at the Inspirational Stump where many incredible mediums have worked over years and years and opened my heart and surrendered to everything, my biggest fears, of not being loved, of not being believed, of being violated… everything that I feared… I surrendered…and I was grateful… So grateful. 

I thanked spirit for showing me the guiding light and showing me the pathway of learning and through the tears that streamed down my cheeks I found the release that I needed.  The letting go of the control… I realized that I couldn't do it, I couldn't have these things control me.  So what if someone doesn't want to believe me… they are missing out on my truth.  So what if someone takes everything, they must need it more than me.  So what if I am broken into, things can be replaced, So what if someone wants to stoop so low to threaten to take Charlie, because that will never happen.  

It was amazing.  I had an aura brush down by a student of mine, Melody and that night, I slept… I felt so good… It was incredible.  I laid my head on the pillow of a room that is known to be haunted and I faced my fear and drifted off to sleep, without the aid of melatonin, music, computer and anything else that normally I would use to escape my fear… I faced it head on… and how amazing it was.  

Now I don't profess to be healed completely, but I will tell you, it was easy, because I allowed myself to do it… and it was easy.  So easy.  I was alone, another fear, I was in a haunted room, another fear (ironic I know) I even slept with the door unlocked  It was amazing. 

So what I have learnt from this is it's how we face it, and whether we want it in our life and whether we are going to allow it to consume us and control us… Or are we going to kick the habit and surrender into it, and accept that its there… for me it's something I have done.  

So if this sounds like you, take time to face those fears, take time to acknowledge that you have them, because trust me we all do… and allow yourself to let go and surrender… knowing that no matter what, you will be okay.  It's going to be fine. 

I am ready to face the fear of peas too… yes… I have thought about it, and I am ready to face this… and when I do… EVERYONE will know about it!!!

Sending love to you all

Lisa xx

No matter what... it's okay!

I just didn't realize until recently how my blogs affected people.  I started many years ago pouring out my emotions when I suppose I needed to vent when I was in a situation where I wasn't happy.  It became a place for me to share with you my world.  I honestly didn't think that anyone would take notice or read them.  Of course there were comments but I really didn't spend much time thinking about it… it was more for me.  

Everyone realized when I was going through a tough time because I stopped blogging for a while, but I always returned back. My best friend always jokes and says "chick, you're like the terminator… you'll always be back".  So I continued to blog and share my thoughts and feelings.  Like I said, it's only recently that I have realized the impact that my openness has had and how it's helped others through through their own time of need.  They have realized that we are all human and we are all living a life and we all have 'stuff' to deal with.  That stuff is never easy.  However, it's how we decide that we are going to deal with it.  You can either deal with it with drama or you can glide through it, working things out as you go along.  Everyone is different. 

I've had my own 'stuff' and I realize that I have been going through stages of grief.  Grief is not just something that you go through when someone passes away. When someone leaves your life and there is an emotional tie between you, and a soul connection, the grief also happens.  I was talking it through with my therapist and often when this happens the grief is worse, because that person is still alive but you can't reach them or do anything about it.  I know what it's like to lose someone incredibly close to you through death and so that grief is, for me personally easier to deal with, because that person has left to move on to the 'other side'.  Like I said its a personal thing for me, and not everyone will agree with it. 

So the stages of grief have been there, and I am sure that many of you have experienced this, even years after a parting or a passing of a loved one.  You can be fine one minute and then suddenly a song will come on and you will find your self crying, or you will drive past a place that hold memories for you.  There are many things that can set us off.  I know it's happened for me very recently.  I was going about my day, and in a really happy place, and then suddenly a thought crossed my mind, a song came on in the car, and I found myself crying, so much so I had to pull over. 

There is nothing wrong in experiencing this grief… nothing at all.  The problem is, we tell ourselves that we shouldn't be feeling like this, our friends will question why we are having these emotions.  Our family want us to move on and be happy… every one has an opinion… but no one is in your shoes… no one is going through the emotions.  It's in those quiet moments that these things can and will easily crop up. 

I've also been, without wanting too, addressing issues and situations that came up in past relationships over the space of 10 years.  I have seen a pattern, a very distinct pattern… and while I have had my grief, I have realized that there have been issues that I haven't dealt with… and this is because I have just 'moved on' not always to a new relationship, but just moved on and swept things under the carpet… Well us English have been bought up to have a 'stiff upper lip' and we do these things, but you can't… you have to deal with it.  Often we listen to our friends who tell us to move on, they are not worth your tears, look how much you have changed, look at what you can do… etc etc etc, but sometimes all you need is someone to listen.  Someone to understand what you are going through… someone who is not going to tell you not to cry, someone who is going to tell you that it's ok. 

So I am going to tell you… it's okay to still grieve for someone after several years, it's okay to miss the quirky little habits that someone has, it's okay to miss the smell of someone, it's okay to miss the touch, it's okay to miss the hugs at night… all of this is perfectly okay!  You have to grieve to allow the void that is hollow to fill… because it will fill up, it will fill with love for them.  The more that you embrace your feelings the more that that void will fill up. 

Love can change everything.  You may hate that they have gone, you may hate that they hurt you, you may hate that they never said goodbye, you may hate that they took their own life… that's fine, but that emotion will soon turn to love… because the opposite of hate is love… You can't stay in that space.  Your emotions naturally won't let you… you will suddenly find that the void is now love.  

That love will grow and while that person or people are not in your life you will still have love for them, you will still hold them dear to your heart.  You will still be connected to them.  You will be connected by your soul.  You can be at bitter odds with someone, banging your head against a brick wall and doing things because of principle and that you feel you deserve it… but still have love for them.  

When you have these emotions that are so strong, they are called soul connections.  Those connections cannot be broken, they are predestined situations and relationships that had to happen for a reason.  They were there to teach you and help you grow as a spiritual being.  You will always be connected to them, but in this life, you may not have to repeat a life with them that you could have had before, you don't have to be in the relationship with them.  You will always know when they are thinking about you, because they will pop into your mind when you least expect it… and that is because you are connected.   What you will find is that from your experiences you will natural help others. 

Think about it, how many times have you experienced a situation that has been incredibly hard only to find that you meet someone who is going through a similar situation and your advice can help them? 

So we have to allow ourselves to deal with things, and relax and not force our emotions to be hidden.  Let me share with you something that has happened to me.  Charlie's father Simon… I was seriously at a low point in my life when that breakup happened… but I dealt with it.  I went to a therapist and I dealt with my emotions.  I was living in England at the time, and trust me when I say… 'we don't do that' but I did.  And having my sessions with Nigel the therapist (funny how a name sticks) helped me understand me and the situation.  And years later I have a great relationship with Simon for the sake of Charlie.  I have an amazing relationship with Simon's mother, but this is because I dealt with my issues with it and I have a voice and I am heard in this situation.  Now don't get me wrong, of course there are things that are going to crop up and I get upset about, and vice versa, but I believe it's because I dealt with it, I learnt to have a voice and express myself and thats why now it's easy.  

So when things come up deal with them.  I do… I cry, jeez do I cry.  I allow my grief to come out… and when I think I'm ok and have had a good week… the tears flow again.  I realize I'm not just crying for one situation, I'm crying for several… and it's okay.  There are several stages of grief and we have to allow ourselves to go through it… it's healthy, it's important and it's needed for our souls to move forward.  

So look after you… do what you need to do to get through times like this, but just know that these times WILL pass… there will be moments when they will surface, but when then do… allow them to come up.  Deal with them, it will make your soul healthy and ready for the wonderful experiences that life has to offer. 

I'm really excited that this is my first blog on my new site… I hope you like this space.  Members, please bear with me, I am at the mercy of a web designer for your site, but it will change slowly… but I'm very proud of this, it just symbolizes many changes for me… and it's time to have fun!

With love

Lisa xx