Surrender
It's only been recently that I have really understood the word and the meaning behind the word surrender…
It really wasn't part of my vocabulary, or lets face it, it wasn't something that I liked to admit I did… But I totally surrendered into love and I think that is why things over the last 6 months have been so difficult… I surrendered… For someone who likes control, I realized that surrendering into everything and allowing myself to let go was a huge lesson for me. I surrendered in to everything that was given to me and I have to say it was incredible. Absolutely incredible, and I learnt so much. I learnt about who I was, what I needed, I learnt how to love, I learnt how to be… I didn't want to analyze things but when you go through a transition of change you naturally do it. You analyze everything, who you are, what you want to be, where you want to go even how you are going to get there.
But I realized that as much as I didn't want to admit I surrendered, I now realize I did… and I do it with many things. I always thought I was a control freak, and yes I am to a degree with certain things. I have labels labels, I have lists for lists… seriously if you come into my home and go into my bathroom you will see everything has a label and everything has a place… some would call it organized, others would call it freakishly controlling. It's just who I am. I know how I want things done when it comes to my business, and I control all of it… I like to know that it's running… I check my bank account daily because I like to have control over the money I have, only because I have had the debt collectors at my door before. I control how my work is, and the reading that I am giving… So when it comes to some things I am in control.
That control comes out of my fears, I have many fears and I am not afraid to admit them, and one of them is losing Charlie, and also everything that I have worked so hard to gain, the other is being violated and the other is not being believed. And in many ways these control me. So I have to learn to surrender to them. These fears control me daily… and I mean EVERY day… it consumes me, every single night when the sun goes down and the lights go on… It starts… I don't think about it, and I never think about it, it's just there… like the under current of the calm ocean that looks so peaceful. The lights go off, and the stillness of the night hits, and the fear that I have fought so hard to push away comes along… it comes along and I start to take control of it… I stay awake… until the very early hours of the morning. I stay up, fighting sleep thinking that something could happen in those hours and I am so vulnerable and that I will wake up to find that my home has been emptied, I have been abused… I have been violated in some way.
This has been happening since I was a child, I would hide under the covers scared because of the spirits and that they would do bad things to me, but I was never believed and so it was a vicious circle. The spirits would come at night and they would talk to me and so I stayed awake as much as I could so I didn't have to deal with them invading my dreams… finally I fell asleep, but I never laid my head down to sleep, I fought it, must like I do now.
So why I am I telling you this? Well it's part of my healing… part of the process… Admitting that that is the problem. When I have someone to sleep with, as in a partner, like I had up until recently, I would sleep… because I knew that someone else was there to look after me, but now alone, I don't and so it's time to face my fears.
My fear of not being believed, stems from the revelation that I discovered last year in Peru, that I had a situation that I was not believed in and those memories are coming clearer and clearer and through some exercises that I am doing I see it… it wasn't anyone fault. I was young. Also my gift, I wasn't believed as a child, I spoke to people about seeing dead people, and these dead people scared me. I would hide under the covers. I wasn't believed my truth wasn't heard. So that is when throughout childhood I started to lie… well people didn't believe me so I might as well lie… and so I did… I became a compulsive liar until I was probably in my early twenties… until I started to see the real me… I lied about my sexuality, I lied about jobs, I lied about what I was doing and where I was going, because I had conditioned myself to do it.
There was a turning point, and it was when I met Charlie's father, Simon… we had a moment where we were being 'honest' with each other we had a situation that he didn't believe that Charlie was his… I fought to be heard… I fought for my truth to be taken seriously… I wanted to set an example for the unborn child I was carrying and that was when I decided no more. I found freedom in my truth. It wasn't easy, because I was always going to be questioned… but I became truthful however my ways slipped again when I was in a long term relationship and I had to lie to find the freedom that I needed… It was horrible, so when I left that relationship, I vowed no more, and so for the last 4 years I have been truthful… so it hurts, so deep… it cuts like a knife when I am not believed. To call me a liar is probably the worst thing that anyone could do. To threaten to take my son away is something that is unforgivable, etc etc… So these are all my fears.
And they are things that I am working on… Oh and am I working on them, I am facing them in so many ways… and I am surrendering to them. Surrender… that word… and you know… it feels good to surrender into the fear and to acknowledge them.
I also have an very strange fear of peas, and I was faced with that over the weekend in Lily Dale when my sandwich at lunch time came with pasta, that had peas in it, and I didn't freak out, I actually sat and stared at them, as I am facing these fears and this is one of them.
So back to surrendering… as I surrender into my fears, I realized that I have been doing it all along. I didn't think I knew how to surrender, but I do… I have done it for years… and I finally understood it, or really embraced it in Lily Dale… I surrender every day to Spirit, to the work that I do… I can't control the way that a reading goes, I can't do it, I am totally at the mercy of Spirit and so I taught my students to Surrender to spirit and the messages. I surrender to the universe and the pathway that I am on… I surrender to the moment and live in it… embrace it totally… and I have changed as a person… I am grateful!
I realized that I loved in my last relationship so fully and incredibly because I surrendered to my sexuality and also to my fears… It was just a place of surrendering.
And that surrendering that I have done has taught me lessons… yes some of them have been hard lessons and some of them have been amazing… but every one of them is a gift. It's a gift of facing my fear and surrendering and loving… loving myself. I sat at the Inspirational Stump where many incredible mediums have worked over years and years and opened my heart and surrendered to everything, my biggest fears, of not being loved, of not being believed, of being violated… everything that I feared… I surrendered…and I was grateful… So grateful.
I thanked spirit for showing me the guiding light and showing me the pathway of learning and through the tears that streamed down my cheeks I found the release that I needed. The letting go of the control… I realized that I couldn't do it, I couldn't have these things control me. So what if someone doesn't want to believe me… they are missing out on my truth. So what if someone takes everything, they must need it more than me. So what if I am broken into, things can be replaced, So what if someone wants to stoop so low to threaten to take Charlie, because that will never happen.
It was amazing. I had an aura brush down by a student of mine, Melody and that night, I slept… I felt so good… It was incredible. I laid my head on the pillow of a room that is known to be haunted and I faced my fear and drifted off to sleep, without the aid of melatonin, music, computer and anything else that normally I would use to escape my fear… I faced it head on… and how amazing it was.
Now I don't profess to be healed completely, but I will tell you, it was easy, because I allowed myself to do it… and it was easy. So easy. I was alone, another fear, I was in a haunted room, another fear (ironic I know) I even slept with the door unlocked It was amazing.
So what I have learnt from this is it's how we face it, and whether we want it in our life and whether we are going to allow it to consume us and control us… Or are we going to kick the habit and surrender into it, and accept that its there… for me it's something I have done.
So if this sounds like you, take time to face those fears, take time to acknowledge that you have them, because trust me we all do… and allow yourself to let go and surrender… knowing that no matter what, you will be okay. It's going to be fine.
I am ready to face the fear of peas too… yes… I have thought about it, and I am ready to face this… and when I do… EVERYONE will know about it!!!
Sending love to you all
Lisa xx